


save a little love (for me)

by maxverstappens



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: M/M, also i am incapable of not writing some thomats banter because those are my boys, i'm gonna be honest boys... i started this at 3am, it's a mess but it's an angsty mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:09:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21525007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxverstappens/pseuds/maxverstappens
Summary: Mats and Benni, two halves of a whole bound by a mutual adoration from the moment that they lay eyes on each other never to be torn apart…or,It's been nine years since Mats and Benni called it quits after just one year of marriage but when Schalke announce their new head coach... Mats is given a second chance to right his wrongs.
Relationships: Benedikt Höwedes/Mats Hummels, Thomas Müller/Manuel Neuer (background)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 54





	save a little love (for me)

**Author's Note:**

> hey. hi. what's up? it's been a while, huh. well! i don't really have much to say other than this is what happens when a night of insomnia hits and i think about ships at 3am. this is angsty as fuck for a while, sorry, yikes idk what this is at all. i just like... torturing my favourite people apparently lmao oh my god this is getting weird bye! (also i severely apologise for how sappy the ending is)
> 
> (bubba... wherever you are... thank you for supporting my terrible, terrible ideas. i love you always ❤)

_Mats and Benni, two halves of a whole bound by a mutual adoration from the moment that they lay eyes on each other never to be torn apart…_

Or, something that isn’t quite as poetic, that’s how Thomas used to describe his two dearest friends, so convinced that the two of them would be together for the rest of their lives trying to outstubborn the other and have heated arguments over cereal at eight in the morning, perhaps they’d adopt a dog or two, one day even start a family. Thomas was one of many that had been shaken to their very core when the two of them called it quits just a year after marrying. 

Mats had never fully disclosed the reason behind their split and Benni was reluctant to be persuaded into speaking about it too. Mats moved to Bayern, Benni went through a tumultuous ending with his boyhood club that ended with an injury hit loan move to Juventus that led to the ties with Schalke being cut completely when he transferred to Lokomotiv Moscow. Mats returned to Dortmund, years passed and they both finished their careers two thousand kilometres from each other. 

Mats turned to journalism with the occasional stint in punditry. Benni got his coaching badges and returned to Germany. Still, neither of them contacted the other and the reason for their divorce still confuses those closest to them, even nine years later. 

It’s somehow the most shocking yet the most obvious news that hits on an early Wednesday morning in November when Schalke announce their new coach, their former beloved captain who is returning to the club that essentially kicked him to the curb and Mats stares at his phone, thumb hovering over one of the images on his screen. 

He’s distracted by the flurry of messages that come through from Thomas just a matter of seconds later, most of them similar to _have you seen this?_ and _fucking hell_ but Mats can’t bring himself to open them, he just keeps staring down at the article and tries to ignore the nausea that sits in his stomach. Mats half-expects a message from his ex-husband to come through but it never does, hell, Mats gets a text from Neuer quicker and that’s a novelty considering their long-tested history with each other, Mats is almost certain that Manu blames him for his marriage breakdown. 

Mats stays quiet and manages to keep his head down for the remainder of the day and through the rest of the week but when he’s pulled into playing the ever-eloquent pundit for Dortmund vs. Wolfsburg on Saturday evening, it was almost _expected_ that he’d run into Thomas sooner or later. His best friend is standing on his phone but still manages to twist his fingers into the back of Mats’ shirt and halts him in his tracks. 

“You’ve been quiet.” He acknowledges,

Mats bites back the quip about him being obvious and just raises his eyebrows at Thomas waiting for him to elaborate but he knows, of _course_ he knows what’s coming next. Mats crosses his arms over his chest, Thomas finally continues, 

“You _must_ have an opinion on it.” 

“He got the job, good for him.” Mats spits out with a venomous twinge to his voice that he immediately regrets, “I mean, I’m happy for him, he always wanted to be a coach one day.” Saying those words out loud hurt, plain and simple, the memories of the nights together when Benni would be in his arms and they’d talk about their future plans. “Could be a good move for him.” 

“You’re one hell of a liar, Hummels.” Thomas approves, shrugging slightly as he pockets his phone. “No wonder you went into journalism.” 

Mats rolls his eyes but doesn’t retaliate, he’s quite frankly _not_ in the mood to engage in any kind of banter with his best friend. If Mats is to be honest, he isn’t even sure whether the news has even sunk in properly yet, it’s been nine years, nine years of them living completely different lives in different countries but Benni is _back_ and from the look of things, he’s here to stay for a while at least. Thomas is watching him curiously, Mats has never been difficult to figure out, it’s the benefit of being best friends for the majority of their lives but ever since the divorce, Mats has grown ever more so complicated and Thomas doesn’t find it as easy to decipher his emotions anymore. 

“I need to get to work, oh also, tell your husband to stop texting me - it’s spooky.” Mats calls out, he turns around and disappears down the corridor before Thomas has even registered what he had to say. 

Thomas frowns, pulling his phone out of his pocket and opens up his previous message thread, there’s four new messages from his husband but Thomas can’t answer any of them. He just taps out a four word reply,

_He won’t tell me._

Thomas hits send before being dragged into his own work. 

It’s nearly eleven thirty by the time that Mats is getting ready to leave the studio after an eighty-seventh minute goal gave Dortmund the win over Wolfsburg when he’s stopped in his tracks by Anna, a newish intern, started just this season and she looks almost worried when Mats meets her gaze. 

“Before you go… we want you to come back tomorrow-” she starts and Mats inwardly groans, he’s not in the mood for more of this “- the producers want a sit-down interview with Benedikt Höwedes… on his return and his plans for the team and well… I… they… want you to do it, since you two were close back when you were both playing.” She stammers out nervously, her bottom lip between her teeth as she clutches a clipboard close to her chest and immediately diverts her gaze. 

In a split second, Mats’ chest clenches and he forgets every single word he’s ever learnt and can only stare dumbly at Anna. All that rings around his head is his ex-husband’s name, the thought of having to see him again, sit in front of him with three different cameras on them and not fall apart, it terrifies him. 

“Mats?” 

“Oh. Yeah. Sure, if they want me to do it.” Mats agrees, swallowing thickly and regretting it as soon as he says it. 

Anna’s face lights up though and she looks thoroughly relieved, squeezing Mats’ arm and thanking him profusely, once she leaves him alone, Mats sinks into the nearest chair with his head in his hands. He sits there for minutes, eyes closed as the realisation sets in, that in less than twenty-four hours he’s going to be sat just a metre or so away from Benni, that he’s going to stay professional, that he’s going to have to ask him about Schalke, ask him what brought him back and _not_ ask him why their relationship fell apart. 

It’s closer to one in the morning by the time Mats unlocks the door to his flat, tossing his coat in the general direction of the coat hooks, he closes the door and stumbles into the kitchen, grabbing a glass and filling it with water but he leaves it on the side, his fingers gripping the edge of the counter until they tremble. He has no idea how to prepare for a situation like this, he hasn’t seen Benni in eight fucking years, hasn’t said a word to him since their divorce was finalised… in fact, the last time he can remember hearing anything about Benni was during dinner with Manu and Thomas and Manu had let slip that Benni was getting his coaching badges before shutting up immediately once he’d caught the way Mats’ face had fallen. Mats takes the water and drinks it slowly, his head spinning and for the first time in a long time, when he catches his hand out of the corner of his eye - the missing wedding ring hits him like a sucker punch to the stomach. 

He crashes on the couch, too exhausted to drag himself to bed, still, no backache could be _any_ worse than the dread that keeps seeping into his bones. 

***

He’s rattled and coping off four cups of coffee in the space of two hours when he turns up at the studio at ten in the morning, most of his face hidden by his scarf but that doesn’t stop him freezing when he sees locks of blond hair on passersby, petrified that he’s going to _accidentally_ run into Benni before he has to. In the end, the only people he actually does run into are not better but the best he’s going to get, 

Thomas is fiddling with a microphone and Manu is hanging by his side, almost on his arm in a sickeningly loved-up way that Mats wants to groan but manages to stay quiet until he reaches the pair of them. Manu only nods in greeting and Thomas looks skeptical once he lays his eyes on Mats, 

“So… I heard about your interview.” 

“Don’t.” 

“But… why didn’t you say no? Surely this is the _worst_ thing for the both of you.” Thomas pushes, not in the mood to beat around the bush even if Mats wishes he would or drop the subject completely. 

“It’s one interview.” 

“With your… ex-husband.” Thomas points out, lowering his voice to barely above a whisper. “Mats, this is ridiculous.” 

Mats shrugs, he’s been through this since he woke up this morning, making six different pros and cons lists in his head and on the drive to the studio but all of them end up an even number and it only adds to Mats’ conflicting feelings about all of this. Manu is glaring at him, Mats ignores it, that’s been their thing for years - it worsened after the divorce although Mats would be lying if he hadn’t noticed that Manu had turned against him before their marriage had broken down. 

“It’s my job, Mull… I’m not going to jeopardise that, it’s an hour out of my life before… before he leaves once more. I’m not going to let this get to me, it’s been nine years, _we’re_ in the past now.” Mats pushes harshly, his jaw clenched and his hands balled into fists. 

Mats detests every word that he’s just said but he needs to prove a point to Thomas, to himself and if that means lying through his teeth that he’s over Benni to everybody who tries to fight him then so be it, he’s going to lie to them. Thomas opens his mouth to argue but he can’t think of anything to say and looks back at Manu almost pleading with his husband to say something but Manu shrugs, he looks equally as speechless by Mats and it’s enough to satisfy Mats long enough to walk away, hand in his hair and hating himself a little more. 

Mats sits alone, a notebook in front of him and he’s spinning a pen between his fingers, he has questions written down - he knew this would be the easiest part of the day, he knows exactly what he’s going to ask Benni but that doesn’t settle the ball of anxiety in his stomach. He has less than two hours before their sit-down interview and Mats pulls at the collar of his sweater wondering whether it’s too late to back out. This is everything that Mats doesn’t want, he was _fine_ when Benni was in Russia - far enough away that Mats didn’t risk running into him but this. _This._ Benni back in the city where they shared so many of their happiest memories together, the city where they bought their first house together, the city they got engaged and married in.

This is the last thing that Mats wanted. 

Pushing his glasses further up the bridge of his nose where they have slipped, Mats drags his pen across the paper and writes a question so pitiful that Mats can only laugh at himself. _Why did you leave me?_ stares back at him mockingly. 

Mats crosses it out until the pen tears through the paper, Mats ignores the irony. Closing his notebook, Mats looks around his dressing room, the plain white walls have the room feeling too big for him, hollow and sad. It looks exactly how Mats has felt for the best part of a decade, it gnaws at him completely and Mats know he’s had a huge hole in his heart since the black pen in his shaking hand had glided over the divorce papers. 

He has just over an hour before the interview when he drives to Schalke’s training ground, it feels strange driving there now - at times, Mats would sneak over there and hide out in a black coat until Schalke’s training sessions ended and Mats would be reunited with his favourite person. The trepidation that Mats feels with every familiar turn feels worse with every movement of the steering wheel, with every breath, a new memory crashes against Mats’ skull, bound to force him into reliving some of his best moments with the one person who _hates_ him so much now.

Parking the car, Mats shudders and drops his head to rest on the steering wheel, he takes those minutes, not enough of them but they’re there to ready Mats for one of the toughest interviews of his life and those interviews after cup losses, Champions League losses, crashing out of the World Cup - all of those can’t even begin to come close to the feelings that he’s feeling at this moment in time.

Time trickles down, it’s fast and slow, heart wrenching yet Mats is somehow the calmest he’s felt all morning, he’s calm when he’s fixing his hair, calm when he’s cleaning his glasses, calm but slightly irritated when he’s in makeup and when Mats walks through the doors to the indoor training pitch where the cameras are set up and two empty chairs sit opposite each other, Mats feels as though he could pass out. 

He remembers his questions, remembered them clearly before he’d even written them down but as he takes a step nearer to the chairs, his mind starts to fall blank and even the word _hello_ seems to evade him. He looks around, it’s cold but somehow it looks exactly how Mats remembers it. Mats stops in the middle of the pitch, arms folded with his back to the door. He thinks about what Benni, he’s not the type of person to still check his ex’s social media - hell, he hasn’t seen a recent picture of him and the only memory he has is of that day almost a year ago, late December, Mats isn’t even sure if Benni even saw him.

Mats freezes when he hears the door open, paralysed in fear for nearly a minute before slowly turning his head to glance over his shoulder. 

Benni stands in the doorway, eyes on Mats, an unreadable expression covering his face, those lips that Mats never needed an excuse to kiss, his hands on Benni’s cheeks, holding him close. That same man is looking straight at him, eyes boring into Mats’ soul as though he knows absolutely everything about Mats even though that is nowhere close to being a possibility anymore. Benni is fiddling with his sweater sleeves but his gaze never leaves Mats, 

It’s Benni who makes the first move, unsurprisingly, Mats has been rendered speechless but he had seen that particular move coming from a long way away. Benni walks closer to him, a stuttered walk as though he’s rethinking every movement as he takes it but he still reaches Mats quicker than Mats would have liked him to.

Benni’s _hey Mats_ is quiet, nervous and he looks uncertain of himself in a way that threatens to tear at Mats’ heart. Mats studies him and if he’s being honest, the first thing that Mats thinks is that he’s still as _goddamn_ beautiful as he was back when they were married and that thought alone breaks Mats’ heart all over again. 

“Benni.” 

Benni blinks at Mats, almost taken aback by the lack of emotion in Mats’ voice but he hadn’t expected much else, still, to hear Mats say his name with such coldness to it stings. It might have been nine years since the two of them broke apart but the wounds are still fresh, if you were to ask the both of them what sticks out for them over the course of their lives… the chances of them saying each others’ names is an extremely high possibility. 

“Congrats on the job, I know this was the one you _really_ wanted. I’m happy you got it.” Mats says to him, his voice breaking towards the end but he manages to keep a straight face, shoving his hands in pockets and looking around, _anywhere_ to avoid looking into brown eyes that could tell a thousand stories in the right light. 

“Thanks.” Benni mumbles, feeling just as out of place and awkward. “Did… did they ask you or?”

“They asked.” Mats replies bluntly, wanting to roll his eyes at the notion of Benni thinking he would _want_ to willingly be thrown into a situation like this. “We can be professional though.” 

Benni nods but it’s slow and hesitant, “of course.” 

Benni might be able to stay professional but Mats isn’t sure whether he can stop himself from just completely screwing up because Benni is right _there,_ in front of him and Mats can feel himself spiralling down a dark path. 

Less than ten minutes until the interview is due to start but Mats and Benni hang awkwardly around each other, wanting to give the impression that there’s no underlying tension between the pair of them, after all, throughout their careers they were friends - best friends some might say. 

Mats gives it long enough and turns around to get himself ready for the interview when he feels a hand curling around his elbow and stopping him. Mats sighs and glances back over his shoulder, 

“I’m happy you got it too, the journalism at least, you did always express how annoying punditry was.” 

For a split second, Mats smiles, swallowing thickly because Benni _remembers,_ remembers the quips that Mats would make, remembers how Mats was adamant he wouldn’t become a pundit in the future. Benni remembers and Mats _despises_ that little shred of hope that comes with it. 

Benni looks radiant under the lights of the camera when the interview finally gets going and Mats barely manages to resist the urge to reach out and brush his fingers through his ex’s hair, soft and fluffy - the same way it used to look when he’d wake up in the morning under the soft warm sun through the blinds in their bedroom. 

“Benni, it’s great to see you again, it’s been a while…” 

Pleasantries are exchanged and Mats can’t help staring at the way that Benni’s face lights up when Mats makes a comment about him being glad he’s back - his smile dropping when he remembers that this is all for the cameras, _not_ for him like he so wishes it was. They talk about Benni’s time in Russia, coaching before Mats gets to the big question,

“What brought you back _here-?”_ Mats asks him gesturing to the pitch around them, “specifically.” 

Benni shrugs at first, it’s no secret that he was broken when he left Schalke and _really,_ it’s the only question on most people’s lips, why would he return to Schalke?

The answer isn’t exactly surprising but it feels like an attempt to hurt Mats, 

“It’s home.” Benni answers, he sighs and goes on to explain,

Mats doesn’t hear any of it, _it’s home_ rings around Mats’ head, _home,_ Schalke is home - that much is obvious to anybody, the mutual adoration that he has with this club and the fans… that’s never been tested but Mats remembers when he was home, when Benni was home for him. 

“- It was a no-brainer to come back when they came calling.” 

Mats wonders whether Benni would have come back if _he_ called him. All of those nights that Mats stood with his phone in his hand with his thumb hovering over Benni’s contact but no matter how hard he tried, he was never able to hit the call button and the silence and the distance between them became further and further until it was impossible to talk to him. 

“You must have plans with the team… care to share some?”

“I thought we got past spying on each other back when we were playing?” Benni chuckles, and the quip takes Mats by so much surprise that if he was drinking he is positive he would have spat it out. 

“I had to try.” Mats defends, grinning at Benni and feeling his heart race when Benni beams back at him. 

Something changes after that, the conversation flows freer and they manage to talk about a few memories back from their playing days before Mats left for Bayern and Benni was still at Schalke. It feels like old times in the most cynical way possible. 

The interview only lasts thirty minutes but it feels like a lifetime, falling into a pattern of knowing what to say to make Benni laugh, to see him smile just like used to. It really does feel like the pair of them are sitting in an alternate universe, a universe in which they didn’t get divorced and that this banterous teasing that comes from Mats about Schalke, the jokey retaliations from Benni… it all feels too perfect and when the announcement comes that the interview is over, Mats’ stomach drops. 

As soon as the camera stops rolling, Benni’s smile fades too. 

“Thanks.” 

Mats pulls a face bounded by his own misery, he can only offer a measly shrug in response, can’t speak. Benni makes a quick getaway when Mats turns around to talk to Anna who appeared midway through the interview much to Mats’ surprise. When Mats finishes his conversation and turns to find Benni nowhere in sight - he isn’t entirely shocked but it doesn’t stop the pang of heartache that hits him. 

Turning back to Anna,

“It’ll be on the pregame show on Sunday… it was great, Mats.” Anna tells him, gratefully.

Mats can’t even muster up a smile in response. He leaves Schalke’s training ground with a heavy heart and drives home, the article that he has to submit on Sunday morning goes untouched for quite a number of hours. 

***

Mats manages to submit his article, a terrible article with five minutes to spare before his deadline and switches on the TV, flicking through the channels until he finds the pregame show to Schalke vs FC. Augsburg and finds his interview with Benni - at this point it’s definitely halfway through and Benni and Mats are joking about Revierderbys of days gone by. Mats knows he should switch it off, it’s just causing too much heartache but he can’t tear his gaze away, he keeps watching Benni, smiles softly when he sees his ex-husband smile at him - for the cameras or not, Mats’ breath hitches when Benni glances behind where Mats was sitting towards the camera. For a second, it feels like they’re glancing at each other but the interview continues and Mats realises how truly alone he is. 

Regretfully, Mats watches the game and the closeups to the touchline do nothing to improve his mood. The game ends in a draw, Mats switches the TV off and texts Thomas, 

_Was it as bad as I think it was?_

He waits only seconds for a reply, 

_You miss each other. That much is obvious._

Mats sighs, he doesn’t know what he expected. He locks his phone and tosses it aside. 

Mats goes radio silent over the next week - he submits his articles for work but he doesn’t do any punditry work. Thomas tries to call him, Manu sends him one text that is as blunt as it can be _(are you still alive?)_ and when Mats still doesn’t answer them - his mum and Jonas start to get involved. In the end, Mats, still reluctant to reassure anybody that he’s still alive goes back home. Sort of. 

Thomas and Manu had returned to Munich earlier on in the week and when Mats gets to Munich too, he sends a text to his best friend and that’s how Mats ends up in the nearest bar just two hours after arriving. 

“So…” Thomas trails off, his hand around a glass of beer. 

Mats sighs and leans back, glancing up at the TV before back to Thomas. “I don’t know, I wish I knew… I want to talk to him.” 

“Why haven’t you?” 

“Give me a break, Mull. What person calls up their ex after so long-”

Mats doesn’t get a chance to finish before Thomas is interrupting him, holding his hand up causing Mats to glare at the wedding ring that sits comfortably on his finger, it’s been six years since he and Manu got married - Mats is still jealous that they have each other. 

“Someone who is desperate, not _desperate_ in that way but you’re desperate for some kind of closure, you need to talk to him and it’s Benni… whatever happened between you two… he’s not and has never been irrational.” 

Mats knows Thomas is right, hates how much his best friend has matured over the years. He knows this isn’t the same guy he was when they were teammates, he’s sensible now and has engaged more with his common sense and thanks to Manu (although, Mats is sure that one is a curse) has become a lot wiser over the course of their almost-decade long relationship. 

Mats knows he needs to call Benni… for his own sanity at this point but the mental barrier that’s been there since the divorce isn’t going down without a fight and Mats isn’t sure he has the energy to try at this point, he’s been half a person since the interview with Benni.

Mats takes a long drag of beer, doesn’t respond but it doesn’t bother Thomas - he knows his words have finally sunk in. Thomas changes the conversation after that and neither of them mention Benni for the rest of the night. 

It takes Mats a further four days to muster up the courage to text Benni, he had to practically beg Manu to give him Benni’s number - a good thing too, it’s a new number from the one that Mats has had stored in his phone for the last few years. He types out four different messages but hates every single one. It takes Mats over an hour to type out a three word message, 

The _can we talk?_ stares at him, it feels like a cop-out in some sense but he doesn’t know what else to say. He hits send and leaves his phone on the table, leaving the room and walking into the kitchen. Mats manages to avoid his phone for nearly an hour and a half before curiosity gets the better of him, three messages stare back at him, 

_Mats?_

_It’s definitely you_

What follows that is _sure, tomorrow night_ and an address of a bar. Mats stares at his phone dumbly, he hadn’t expected Benni to be so willing, definitely hadn’t expected him to suggest a bar and definitely not _tomorrow night._ It doesn’t give Mats any time to prepare for this and that alone scares the living hell out of him. 

Mats sits on the edge of the couch with his phone in his hand and he stares down through cloudy glasses at the three unanswered messages. He needs to confirm, say _yes,_ say anything but he can’t bring himself to tap out a reply whatsoever. 

He moves his thumb to the contact number, hovering over the phone number and forcing himself to try and press it, to call Benni, to _hear_ his voice for whatever reason Mats has. He isn’t sure if he knows himself but the urge, the desire to hear Benni say _anything_ to him overtakes him in the same way it has for years. 

In the end, he types _ok,_ hits send and tosses his phone aside. His head dizzy as he drags himself from the living room to his bedroom, he doesn’t care if it’s only nine… he’s struggling to keep his eyes open and he’s sleep before his head has even hit the pillow. 

***  
  


To say that Mats regrets his decision the following evening is an understatement, he knows the bar, recognises it well from back in the day - a bar that he’s ventured to with Dortmund teammates, Thomas and Manu a few times - it’s where Mats and Benni celebrated their fifth anniversary (sort of, a belated anniversary but they had won the World Cup and neither of them cared that they were celebrating their anniversary almost three months late). 

Mats sees Benni before Benni sees him. He’s stood by the bar, he watches the game on the TV - looks like Leverkusen in the Europa League but Mats can’t be sure, doesn’t give himself enough of a glance to see. He just stands by the door, the wind from the constantly opening and closing door blows through his hair, hits his cheeks but all he can focus on is Benni talking to the bartender, grinning at him, his hoodie sleeves pulled over his hands. 

He’s still so in love with him that it hurts so much. 

Dragging his feet across the bar floor, Benni turns around just before Mats reaches him - he looks surprised, it’s absurd really, as though he hadn’t expected Mats to turn up, Mats wishes he could blame him for that. 

“Hey.” 

“Hey.” 

Mats rocks back on his heels, his hands sitting deep in his pockets but his gaze flickers down to Benni’s hands, he hadn’t done this during the interview - afraid of what reaction he might have had with the cameras around, the thought of a wedding ring sitting there - it petrifies Mats but when he looks, his hands are bare though that’s not completely reassuring. 

Benni diverts his gaze and slides a bottle of beer across the bar towards Mats, his own hand curling around another one. Mats takes it, cradling it close to him as they move in silence from the bar to an empty table and the awkwardness between them only seems to grow more and more.

A hundred questions rattle around in Mats’ head, all too personal, all with the capacity to break his heart but they don’t leave, they’ve been on his mind for nine years. Benni is staring down at the table, tapping his fingers against the edge,

“I’m surprised you want to talk to me.” 

Mats snaps his head up at Benni’s words, confused but intrigued though mostly confused. 

“Oh, come on, Mats…” Benni trails off when he lifts his gaze and notices just how puzzled his ex-husband is. “We didn’t exactly leave things on the best terms, just, why now? It’s been nearly ten years.” 

“Nine years and four months.” Mats corrects instinctively, 

Benni chuckles sadly, lifting the bottle to his lips and drinking it slowly. “Long time,” 

Mats nods at him, “too long.” 

Benni shifts uncomfortably. The conversation falls dead and both of them fight for something to talk about but nothing comes to mind except the questions that they both want to ask but don’t want to know the answers to. 

Mats stares at him, he can’t pull his eyes away from Benni - wouldn’t want to, he’s so painstakingly beautiful that Mats’ chest clenches as he lets his eyes trail over Benni’s face, the galaxy of freckles that are smattered across his cheeks is the epitome of everything for Mats. He spent nights with his fingers softly sweeping across Benni’s cheeks, he tried to count Benni’s freckles once but got distracted by the soft laugh coming from his husband at the time. So many times. Mats was always getting distracted by Benni in the best ways possible, he made him the happiest that Mats has ever felt and Mats knows that he would trade every single trophy that he’s ever won to take back what happened, to take back what he did or _didn’t_ do. 

“Have you dated anybody?” Mats asks rather abruptly, 

Benni frowns, “yeah,” he doesn’t seem too taken aback by the question having probably expected it sooner rather than later. “One person, in Russia.” 

Mats thinks a stab to one of his vital organs would have hurt less than uncovering that knowledge but that doesn’t stop him pushing,

“How long?” 

“Two years.” 

_Fucking hell._ Mats frowns and stares down at the bottle of beer, scratching at the label. 

Benni winces, Mats might have reacted _better_ than he had expected him to but he knows how much hearing those words have broken his heart, _all over again,_ he thinks. Mats still doesn’t look up and Benni wishes he hadn’t answered that question or at least lied to spare Mats’ feelings even if that’s the worst thing that Benni could have done.

“I haven’t dated anybody. Nobody could have compared to you.” Mats admits and it feels like a spear to the heart for Benni, “sorry your last relationship didn’t work out.” 

Benni tries but he can’t tell him the reason for his last relationship breakdown was because he was still irretrievably in love with Mats. Their conversation falls dead again so they watch the game in silence, they drink and they steal glances at each other when they think the other isn’t looking but Benni catches Mats’ gaze wavering, catches his eyes on him and tries to pretend as though he doesn’t want to reach out to Mats. 

By the time the game ends, they’re not drunk but also they’re not entirely sober. It’s a reminder of the old times, trying to out-drink the other but ending up being equally as drunk and disgustingly affectionate with each other that their teammates would walk away from them because they couldn’t deal with it (Mats is pretty sure Marcel still has videos of them on his phone).

They call it a night around eleven, not as young as they used to be and with Mats having a half-written article at home and Benni holding a mid-morning training session the following day… they know when to call it quits. 

Still, 

“I was always better at holding my drink than you.” Benni teases, cheeks pink with the wind as they leave the bar,

“Liar.” Mats mumbles but he stumbles whilst fixing the collar of his coat to prove Benni’s point. “Alright, you got me.” 

They walk together for a while, their shoulders knocking and the arms of their coats brushing against each others’ and the desire to turn around and just kiss Benni to see what happens gnaws at Mats until it becomes practically unavoidable. It’s a quiet street, especially on a Thursday and Mats barely registers how cold it is anymore. 

Mats turns, hands finding Benni’s cheeks with familiarity as though he’d last done it a minute ago and he kisses him.

Mats doesn’t expect the rejection and at first, he doesn’t get it. Benni kisses him, his fingers tangled in Mats’ coat with their lips moving with skilled ease against each other, a strong sense of conversance about it,

Until, 

Benni lets him go and Mats stumbles backwards at the sudden movement and even through Mats’ tipsy haze, Benni looks _outraged_ at him. 

“What the _hell,_ Mats?!” Benni shouts at him, 

Mats can only blink, frowning, feeling a headache begin to spring at the base of his skull. 

“What?” Mats asks, confused more than anything, 

“You don’t get to just fucking kiss me, Mats… not after this, not after _this_ long!” Benni yells, his hands in his hair and the distress radiating off him. “Did you expect everything to go back to normal?! _You’re_ the reason that we got divorced in the first place! You can’t just expect me to fall back into your arms because after nine years you finally realised you should have fought for _me, for us!”_ Benni continues to cry out, every word feels like a punch to Mats’ stomach. “You’re the one who didn’t try to keep us together… you don’t fix it like this.” Benni’s voice is softer this time, broken and whether it’s the alcohol or the fact that Mats has managed to break the love of his life’s heart twice, Benni’s eyes are glassed over. “Go home, Mats. Get some sleep.” 

Mats doesn’t get a chance to reply, Benni turns around and walks in the opposite direction. Mats wants to scream after him, to stop him leaving, to stop him like he should have nine years ago but he’s paralysed by the weight of Benni’s words. He can only watch until the silhouette of his ex husband is out of sight. 

***

Mats doesn’t know how he makes it through the days, weeks afterwards, being essentially broken up with for the second time by the same person has an almost alien sensation to it and Mats doesn’t handle it well. 

Mats doesn’t turn up to do punditry on any game for nearly two weeks and Thomas worries about him. He worries to the point where he calls Mats and without giving his best friend a chance to even say hello - he begs him to come around because _damnit Mats, what the fuck happened for you to fall off the face of the Earth?_

Mats’ quip in response about Thomas not wanting to know falls flat but still, Mats doesn’t ignore Thomas’ request and less than an hour later - Mats is sitting in Thomas’ kitchen but that doesn’t mean that Mats is ready to open up on how fucking hopeless his life is. 

Thomas scrutinizes him, Mats hasn’t slept in days - tossing and turning and thinking about kissing Benni even in a tipsy haze elicited the same feelings that kissing him when they were barely twenty one had. Mats is almost convinced at this point that his entire life is a curse, that Benni reminding him, _blaming_ him and with good reason, it was all Mats’ fault that their marriage broke down. 

“Isn’t it about time you told me why you two got divorced because that’s what this is about, isn’t it? It’s about Benni?” Thomas breaks the silence “what happened?” 

“Nine years ago or two weeks ago?” Mats asks, laughing bitterly, his hand ragged in his hair as he looks around Thomas’ kitchen, it’s the simple things that hurt the most.

Mats misses their old house together in Düsseldorf; they had bought it _together_ after they won the World Cup, signed the lease together and it was theirs and they thought they’d live there for many years to come. Mats remembers the feeling of handing one of the two keys to Benni as they stood in the hallway days after signing it, he remembers the way that Benni’s smile had brightened the entire hallway, remembers what it felt like when Benni threw his arms around him and how the words _we’re home_ had vibrated against Mats’ throat. 

“Mats… why did you two split up?” 

Mats relents, it’s been long enough and hell, Mats knows he could have used his best friend’s support back when it happened but they had _both_ respected each others’ privacy and never spoke of it but maybe it’s time, maybe Thomas can actually help him put all of this into a different perspective. 

Before Mats can fess up, the front door opens and slams shut. 

“Hummels?! I know you’re here!” Manu yells from the hallway before he storms into the kitchen, eyes ablaze with fury as he glares at him looking seconds away from punching him. “What the fuck is your problem?!”

Mats flinches, 

“It wasn’t bad enough that you broke my best friend’s heart once?! You had to do it twice - what the fuck is wrong with you?!” Manu screeches at him, 

Thomas’ eyes widen as his gaze switches between his husband and his best friend every few seconds, Mats stays silent, swallowing thickly but that doesn’t calm Manu down, it infuriates him further. 

“Answer me.” Manu roars at him, “tell me why you find so much pleasure in hurting Benni.” 

“Oh my god, Mats… what did you do?” Thomas asks him, 

Mats shakes his head, he stands up and starts pacing the kitchen. Manu’s glare goes unnoticed and Thomas’ confusion is evident to the both of them. 

“I ruined everything.” Mats admits, “I… took advantage of the fact we were married… I fucked up so badly.” Mats mutters, his fingers tangled in his hair before he turns around. “Give me his address.”

“What? Third time lucky? You’re just going to hurt him again.” Manu spits, 

“Give, give me the fucking address, Manu.” Mats growls,

“Babe… give him it.” Thomas pushes gently, wrapping his hand around Manu’s arm. “Just do it.” 

Manu resists but Mats doesn’t back down either. Thomas’ grip on Manu’s bicep tightens until Manu exhales a deep sigh, pulling his arm out of Thomas’ hand and walks into the hallway. Thomas meets Mats’ eyes, 

“I did it once… I’m not letting him get away.” Mats mumbles, mostly to himself. 

Manu returns a few seconds later and hands Mats a blue Post-It note, an address scrawled clumsily on it but it’s just about legible and Mats leaves without saying goodbye. 

Nine years ago; Mats rejoined Bayern from Dortmund and it was the first time that his and Benni’s relationship had been plunged into dreaded long distance, barely married a year when they started facing problems. Benni had tried, clung onto Mats and tried to get him to fight when their marriage started to fall apart. Mats had been so fucking convinced that the fact a stupid piece of paper meant that they would get through it. Benni wanted him to fight, Mats never fought and maybe he did deserve Benni leaving him. 

It’s been nine years of _hell,_ never once falling out of love with Benni. 

Mats’ hands are shaking and his head is all over the place as he stops at the lights, he vaguely knows where he’s going, recognises the neighbourhood at least, it was one of the neighbourhoods that they had looked for a house in but ultimately decided against. Mats has no idea what he’s supposed to say at this point, he wouldn’t be surprised if Benni answered, took one look at him and slammed the door in his face - Mats probably deserves that. He turns down the street and slows down, all the houses look similar, the doors the colours and order of rainbows until he stops at one house, it bears the address that’s on the Post-It and Mats pulls over, killing the engine but not moving. 

_You can’t just expect me to fall back into your arms because after nine years you finally realised you should have fought for me, for us!_

_You’re the one who didn’t try to keep us together…_

Benni’s words start to encompass every one of Mats’ thoughts, he knows it’s his fault, how can he not? He should have tried harder, he should have fought for Benni from the moment that they started experiencing problems. 

Time moves in slow motion for Mats or maybe he’s just beyond exhausted at this point but every movement he makes to get out of his car and walk up to the front door feels excruciatingly slow and when Mats knocks his fist against the door - he doesn’t think he breathes. 

The door swings open and Benni’s eyes are immediately wide,

“What are you doing here?” Benni asks him, no emotion spared, he barely meets Mats’ eyes as he clings to the door. 

_He’s still so beautiful,_ Mats can’t stop staring at him, wants to reach out and feel Benni’s cheeks underneath his hands, wants to hold him close and this time _never_ let him go. It feels like a fire is burning in his chest as a hundred things run through his mind and he can’t stop it, he needs to say what he _should have_ said nine years ago. 

“You told me I never fought for us… so here I am… fighting for us.” Mats chokes out, barely able to keep himself standing as leans against the outer doorframe. “I screwed up _so_ much, you were right, I let you slip through my fingers… I’m not doing it again.” 

Something hopeful flashes across Benni’s face before it’s replaced by nothing, Benni is emotionless when he _finally_ lifts his eyes and settles them on Mats. 

“Nine years too late, Mats.” Benni tells him, and boy, it kills him inside to say it. 

Mats doesn’t let it deter him, he’s not going to let the last chance he has get away from him. Benni wanted him to fight and he’s going to fight, 

“No… no it’s not because I still love you and I _know_ you still love me, Benni.” Mats tries, “you miss me, I miss you. I made a mistake, a mistake that has plagued me for _years_ and I’m doing what I should have done then.” 

“What makes you think I’m going to take you back?” Benni asks him, stepping further into his house, “how do you expect me to _trust_ you again?” 

In all honesty, Mats doesn’t have an answer for that because he knows if the roles had been reversed - he wouldn’t trust either and as the failure of Mats’ attempt starts to draw near, Mats _knows_ it would have been easier to accept his fate, walk away knowing that he’s tried but something stops him from leaving.

“I don’t expect you to trust me, not at first.” Mats mumbles, his head resting against the arm that is propped up by the doorframe. 

Benni doesn’t say anything. Mats continues, 

“I don’t expect you to believe me either but I think you do, I don’t think you want to but you do.” Mats knows he’s clutching at straws now, 

Benni still doesn’t react. 

Mats sighs and surges forward, one hand finds the back of Benni’s neck and the other holds his hip. The kiss is a mess, all teeth and it _hurts_ but if there was a way to try and convey everything that Mats has wanted to say to Benni for the last nine years it’s this kiss, his last attempt. 

“I love you, never stopped.” Mats murmurs, the words vibrating against their lips as Mats pulls him closer, determined not to let him go. 

When they part, their foreheads are pressed together and neither of them can pull the oxygen back into their lungs quick enough. Benni’s hands are pressed against Mats’ cheeks and Mats twists the longer strands at the back of Benni’s hair around his fingers. Neither of them utter a word as seconds pass in rhythm of their heartbeats. 

“This doesn’t mean we’re back together, you know.” Benni finally speaks, 

Mats shrugs but a smile twitches at the corners of his lips. “I know it doesn’t.” 

“You and lying goes hand in hand, huh. Journalism really is your job.” Benni teases him, his fingers gliding along Mats’ cheekbones delicately as though he’s going to disappear in an instant. 

“I meant it, mean it, I do love you.” Mats promises, 

Benni kicks the front door shut, “I know you do. Never stopped, yeah?” 

Mats nods, his shoulders dropping with the weight of over three thousand days of regret finally being lifted when three words vibrate against his throat when Benni wraps his arms around him. 

It’s not problem solved but it’s a promise, it’s the second chance that Mats didn’t think he was going to get but right now, 

It’s everything.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr!](https://hoewedeshummels.tumblr.com)


End file.
